Drowning not waving

In terms of following my practice, and acting skilfully today was not a day I am proud of.  Actually I feel a bit ashamed if I’m honest.

I knew that I was being an egghead, but knowing it, and changing it are 2 different things entirely.  And today not much could turn my mindset around.  But I’ve decided to just treat myself with compassion, and try harder next time.

Today I had to spend the day in hospital having tests done.

And it’s something that I have to have done regularly.  It wasn’t the first time and it certainly isn’t the last.

I have 20+ breast tumours, and I’ve been dealing with it for 8 years since I first found out.  For 8 years I’ve tried to cope with it as best I can, and to act with grace and dignity.

Some days I have been more successful than others.

My first core biopsy was one of the not so successful times.  Knowing that I had to have an incision with a scalpel first, and then an instrument inserted really got to me.  I cried uncontrollably throughout the entire procedure.

Some visits I have been proud of – one of those I felt very calm and spent the time talking to other patients in the waiting area and trying to make them feel better.  That one comes to mind.

But today I just struggled.

No particular reason.  I was expecting it to go the same as any other visit – mammogram, ultrasound, specialist visit, biopsies.   Same as every other visit over the last 8 years.

The difference though was my mindset.

I didn’t want to do it.  Pure and simple.  I started to dwell on it yesterday.  I tried to talk myself into saying it wasn’t necessary.  That I could put it off another year.  I tried to get reassurance from my partner, family and friends that they also thought I could just put it off.

But naturally they were more worried about my health and wellbeing, and gently persuaded me to keep the appointment.

I got up this morning feeling relatively cheerful, but as soon as I was in the car it went downhill.

And boy was I resisting this hospital visit!  With basically every fibre of my being.

I repeatedly told myself (and my partner) that I didn’t want to do it.  I sat in the car sullenly on the way there.  I thought of all the reasons I didn’t want to go – the procedures themselves, the cost, the hours spent waiting, the invasiveness of it.

And yes, all of those things are pretty unpleasant.  I don’t deny that.

After finding the first lump I was reading an article where life changes for a woman once she discovers a lump in her breast.  That everything seems to shift, and her life is never as carefree again.  And I do agree that that is true.  Because once you find one, you then face it forever more.

And for me it wasn’t just one.   Well at first it was.  But they soon started multiplying.  One became 3, which became 5, which over years became 20.  Till it got to the point that they said it wasn’t helpful to tell me the number anymore.  My local GP’s were no longer able to handle my case, so I was referred to the specialists at the hospital.  And even they said I was a difficult case, and that they “drew straws” on who had to do the ultrasounds etc.  And I do feel their pain lol.

But the reality is – it is what it is.  I have these tumours and I have to have them monitored and tested.  And I can either accept that or resist it.  My attitude isn’t going to change the reality of the situation – it’s only going to make it more unpleasant for myself in the long run.

And I know that.  But today was harder than others to just accept it with a smile.

And I definitely was not smiling about it today.

Hospital 04.02.16

But I recognise that my attitude was (very) unskillful.  And I can only do better next time to accept it a bit more, and resist it a LOT less.

Much love to you all,

Meg

 

 

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About istopforsuffering

A page created to help spread love and kindness and positivity. Dedicated to making this world a better place, and making a difference in people's lives.

9 responses to “Drowning not waving

  1. franklax

    HI Meg,

    I had no idea you were going through this. Wonderful and wise words you have shared here. We can all learn a thing or two about treating ourselves with compassion.

    Cheers,

    Frank

  2. Oh dear my poor sweet girl …you have every right to resist …belive me most of us would be running for the hllls . It’s what it does to your , mind, thoughts ,head , stomach , body and whole being isn’t it . If they could just take the bits they need to sort it and leave you the other bits you might just cope .
    Treat yourself big time when you get home you deserve the Crown Jewels
    Cherryx

  3. your an amazing women and your health definitely must be of priority. Your a strong women as well and you can conquer anything when you are challenged. I know this.

  4. Thanks for your honesty. How tough to deal with! It occurs to me that, unfortunately, when we choose to embrace everything, it means sometimes we have to accept our not embracing it all. I remember once I had gone on and on to a friend about my embarrassment at not dealing with a painful situation in a “peaceful, spiritual way,” and my feeling that I’d betrayed my practice. She looked at me, feigning horror and surprise. “What? You mean you’re human too?!” I treasure those words, and often have to remind myself of them.

    Just have to mention, I liked the Stevie Smith reference too.

    Please treasure yourself.

    • I’ve thought of your wonderful advice so much today since I first read it. It’s brought me a lot of comfort – at the end of the day we are indeed just human. And we can’t expect perfection from ourselves (or anyone else) all of the time. I did falter yesterday, but I am picking myself back up again.
      Thank you dear friend.

  5. chantingdestroyscellulite

    I’m sending you all good energy and light girl. Thank you for sharing!

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