Hidden blessings

After yesterday’s ponderings I am very happy to say I’m feeling much more my old self today ūüôā

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One of the greatest blessings to come into my life in recent times has been this little orange thing.

There’s not a single day that goes past that I don’t give thanks that he came into our lives.

I honestly believe it was meant to be.

One day out of the blue about a year ago he turned up in our backyard.  He was only quite a small kitten, but he was adamant he wanted to come inside the house.

It was strange as we’d never seen him before. ¬†And we had 2 inside only cats, but he was still determined. ¬†He sat outside for 2 hours crying to come in. ¬†Even though we went outside and gave him plenty of pats and hugs.

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The first day Oct 16

That evening his owners came down the street looking for him. ¬†They’d only gotten him that day and the first time he got out of their house he came straight to ours.

The next day the same thing happened again.  So we took him home.

Every day he ended up back at our house.  And for some reason his owners stopped caring.

Fast forward 10 months and he now lives here.

He brings the most incredible amount of joy into our lives every single day.

He’s the most affectionate, loving, delightful cat that I have ever met. ¬†He gets along with my 2 rescue cats – well one loves him the other one just tolerates him lol.

He loves my son (my other 2 won’t go near him).

And he fills my life with smooches and hugs every day.

I love how he “chose” us. ¬†I don’t know how he knew to come here, but he did.

And I am grateful every single day.

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Storms can’t hurt the sky

I’ve mentioned before that when my ex-husband left (coming up 8 years ago… where has time gone…) that I was lucky enough to read a book “Storms can’t hurt the sky“.

That book changed everything for me, and I’ve written about that before. ¬†But lately I’ve been thinking about that particularly analogy….

Storms can’t hurt the sky

I like it, and it’s true. ¬†It’s a key concept in Buddhism that you should let emotions and experiences come and go – like clouds across the sky.

But what if the storm takes a long time to pass?

That’s what I’ve been reflecting on lately.

What if the storm is like in Alien Covenant (bear with me lol) where it can take months or even years to pass?

I remember many years ago now an ex mentioned to me that he couldn’t believe I hadn’t been jaded by my experiences in life. ¬†That I was still so trusting and full of hope. ¬†And that was something that meant a lot to me – I felt like I had so much enthusiasm for life, and “sparkle”. ¬†I saw sunshine and rainbows everywhere. ¬†I thought everything and everyone was fantastic. ¬†I was probably in hindsight really painful lol.

And then life happened.  Just one thing after another for the last 4 years.

A very troubled partner who put me through hell and then ended up cheating on me. … which I think had the biggest effect on me personally of everything that’s happened.

Also another less than easy relationship that followed.  Living with a partner with significant health issues.  The loss of my 8 year job.  Starting a new job with a high amount of responsibility and pressure.  My mum passing away in traumatic circumstances.  Two other members of my family also passing away this year.  A friend taking his own life this month.  My child threatening my life and his and being placed on medication.  Several different cancer scares for me. Etc etc.

My son is currently seeing a child psychologist and child psychiatrist, and I gave a brief overview of our lives/history. ¬†And the psychiatrist said “wow you’ve really had a tough life”. ¬†And to be truthful I hadn’t even mentioned even half of what has happened. ¬†I just shrugged and said it is what it is.

Which is true. ¬†And I mentioned that comment to someone and he said – “it’s not really a hard life you’ve just had a lot of challenges”.

But I wonder how many tough experiences does it take before you are changed irreversibly?  Or is it possible to hold true to your key values regardless of what life throws at you?

I guess that’s what I’m pondering. ¬†How to find again that sense of optimism I used to have in spades.

I feel like lately I’m often just pushing through life without the joy that I used to have. ¬†I used to go to the shops smiling and actively looking for people to help and cheer up. ¬†But now I just keep my head down and do what needs to be done. ¬†Which isn’t me.

I’m considering writing a gratitude journal. ¬†And perhaps clearly writing out my intentions again.

There’s no question that 2017 (and before) has been challenging. ¬†It has also been amazing though. ¬†With the people we have met, the existing friends we have, and our very first overseas trip coming up to look forward.

Maybe it’s just a matter of slowly rebuilding that boundless enthusiasm. ¬†And also having absolute trust and faith that life is now on the right track.

And without question concentrating on the amazing people in my life that make my heart swell ‚ô•

Video call snapshot 4

 

 

Distorted perceptions

I made a comment to my BFF on Friday night that 2017 has been really awful.  Okay maybe I used a few profanities in there to describe it as well lol.

I’ve been thinking on that statement since and I’m not sure that it has exactly a bad year as such…. rather I suspect in hindsight that it’s just life now.

I think perhaps I need to not classify it as good or bad.  But just roll with it and accept the reality.

My Dad visited me on Friday because he wanted to go through my Mum’s stuff. ¬†He’s been very focused on wanting to get this done. ¬†We haven’t discussed it but I suspect he just doesn’t want Mum’s belongings around to remind him. ¬†He was suffering greatly on Friday…. perhaps because we were going through everything.

He cried openly for a long period of time.  We talked about the fact it had been 8 weeks since she passed.  And how hard it still is.

We’ve also lost my Dad’s cousin since – she passed away 2 weeks ago. ¬†She was the most beautiful, kind and gentle lady. ¬†I will miss her greatly.

Those 8 weeks since Mum passed have seemed to have flown by to me, but to Dad they have inched along.  It feels like 8 years to him without his best friend and soulmate.

To me I still can’t process it – I will never speak to my Mum again. ¬†I can say it easily – “my Mum passed away”. ¬†But when I really think about that… she passed away… she died. ¬†I still can’t accept it.

While my Dad was here crying I received a message on my phone.

I opened it and my world was rocked again….

A friend – someone I have known for 20 years – decided to take his own life on Friday morning.

I’m still trying to come to terms with it. It was unexpected and it was a horrible death. ¬†And even more so I’m upset for his daughter (essentially my niece). ¬†She’s not much older than my own child and I can’t begin to imagine how her world has been torn apart.

Hence my earlier comment to my BFF about 2017 so far. ¬†It’s seen:

The breakdown of my long term relationship.

The loss of my Mum, and the extremely traumatic events surrounding that.

Significant work stress.

The loss of my Dad’s cousin who I was close to.

My child being placed on anti-psychotic medication.

My friend taking his own life.

 

I think though it can’t be called a ‘bad year’. ¬†It just is.

I can’t see 2017 suddenly becoming stress free and uneventful….

My Great Uncle is 94 and we could lose him any day.  I wait for the phone call ever single day and I have for a long time.  Somehow he keeps hanging on.

I worry about the stress of these events on my Dad who is also in poor health.

I have a long road ahead of my with my son.

Work won’t change either – that is what it is.

My own health is very dicey at the best of times.

Sometimes I look at others around me and feel envious that they don’t seem to have stress in their lives. ¬†I try hard not to do that though. ¬†Because it doesn’t help to put my life in one “basket” and see theirs as being perfect.

It’s just a matter of trying to make the most of life as it’s dealt. ¬†To find the joy in the small things. ¬†To try to keep smiling and keep positive.

 

Growth

Sitting quietly today in my beanbag reading a book, and this passage really resonated with me..

“Once she had imagined she and {her husband} moving into such an old age, their histories woven together like vines, tendril around shoot, leaves meshed. ¬†Oh she’d been so old-fashioned; even her regret was old-fashioned. ¬†She had imagined that, married, she would be some sort of lovely bud, wrapped in the tougher, resilient calyx of the flower. ¬†Wrapped and protected, the layers of her own life contained within another’s.

But instead she had found her own way….”

Such a perfect summary of my own life.

This was how I had imagined my adulthood.  As a wife, mother, homemaker.

As part of a strong family unit such as I was raised in.

But life doesn’t always go to plan.

And that’s okay.

Please don’t make me adult

I’m finding life a bit difficult at the moment. ¬†Just one of those days that I’m overloaded, and stressed, and missing my Mum.

Sometimes on days like this it feels like it’s hard to shrug it off. ¬†And I hate that it’s gotten me down, it’s just not like me to be glum.

But it can be challenging to be all things to all people.  Especially when you really want to.

My Dad needs me so much at the moment – and my heart breaks for him. ¬†As each day goes past he’s missing my Mum more. ¬†In the first days/weeks he was kept busy organising her funeral and all the arrangements. ¬†And it was also a relief to him to see that she’s not suffering anymore.

But now reality is sinking in. ¬†He misses all the little things. ¬†He told me tearfully that every time he walked in the door from bowls and call out “I’m home love” and Mum would reply “Hi love”. ¬†Now their apartment is empty.

Dad has also started the hard task of sorting through all her personal affects. ¬†Giving away the food that she would eat (that he wouldn’t). ¬†Getting rid of her clothes.

For me not only do I miss her dreadfully, but I’m also stretched dangerously thin.

My almost 12yo has ASD and his behaviour has become increasingly worse as he gets older and goes through puberty. ¬†He is violent and aggressive and honestly just completely unpleasant. ¬†We’ve been seeing a child psychologist and they have declared him an emergency case and are getting a psychiatric team involved and putting him on medication.

And it’s great that we are getting help, but in the meantime it’s just 24/7 hell. ¬†To have my child address me constantly as “butthole face” instead of Mum is pretty hurtful. ¬†And to be constantly yelled at and physically assaulted. You have to wonder as a parent where you went wrong.

Meanwhile I’m working 14 hour days through the week, and then working the weekends as well. ¬†And it’s never ending. ¬†I’m expected to be available 24/7, and I love my job and I’ve always hard that work ethic, but even I am feeling overloaded.

But no job = no money = no house.

It’s hard to know exactly where the limit of my ability to cope is, but I must be getting close.

Juggling my Dad, work, my child…

But I know that this too will pass.  Some days are going to be harder than others, particularly when it comes to adjusting to my Mum being gone.

I’m just blessed to have the people in my life that I do. ¬†They keep me going.

On Saturday  went to Parkrun early in the morning and my heart was so full with love from my friends.  I had so many genuine hugs, and lovely conversations with people.  The people in my life mean the world to me Рabsolutely no question.  These people show me such genuine love and support and I am truly blessed.

I’d be lost without them ‚̧

Parkrun besties

 

 

4 weeks ago

Exactly this time, exactly 4 weeks ago life fell apart.

It was this time exactly that I got a call from my Dad, crying.  Life will never be the same.

I was sitting in my car doing school pick up at the time.  And here I sit again Рsame car park Рsame sort of day.  But now living a completely different life.  As a different person.

I’ve tried to keep busy with work. ¬†And really with my position and the workload I don’t have to try hard. ¬†14 hour work days are pretty good like that.

And I’ve tried to concentrate on helping other people who are also suffering – I’m certainly not the only one going through a hard time.

And my family have all tried to create new “mum-less” lives.

I see Dad all the time now.  He rings me and texts me constantly.  Anytime he normally would have said something to her, he contacts me instead.  And every morning when I normally would have rung Mum, I rang him instead for a chat.

My BFF and I laughed on Saturday when he rang me – while I was at parkrun – to have an indepth conversation with me about how to hang up his pants so they don’t get peg lines.

I’m forever grateful for that increased bond between us.

But I miss her. ¬†I miss talking to her and telling her all my problems lol. ¬†I miss the sound of her voice. ¬†I hate that I’ll never see her again. ¬†It’s funny how easy it is to forget that.

It’s so final. ¬†Never again.

I’m sitting in the car crying heavily and talking out loud to her. ¬†I wonder if she knows how dreadfully I miss her. ¬†And how much I wish I could call her and tell her – “Mum you’ll never believe what’s happened the last 4 weeks!”.

And to debrief with her like I normally would.

There’s such a void left without her ‚̧

Run Forrest, run

I’m so grateful for this past weekend – it was a much needed 4 days off with my best friends and the people I love most in the world.

GCAM 17 7

I had entered to do the 10km at the Gold Coast Airport Marathon back in January – a long time before my world fell apart.

Even after Mum’s passing I had no intention of pulling out. ¬†I knew that it would be much needed time with my loved ones, and a chance to get away for a while. ¬†There’s really nothing like my running family – emphasis on “family”. ¬†I could not have more supportive or kind friends.

Although I wasn’t going to pull out I had BIG reservations about being able to make cut off for the event.

The cut off time was 1 hr 40.  This year I have done two other 10km events Рone coming in at 2 hours (that was a walk admittedly), and the other at 1 hr 23 min or so.  And I was a lot fitter for that one, plus I had someone running with me.

I’ve lost so much fitness in recent years that I didn’t have much hope I would be able to complete the event and not get pulled off the course.

GCAM 2017 1

 

Well I was super proud of my effort on Saturday.

I finished in 78 mins (1 hr 18 mins).

That’s certainly not fast. ¬†And a good 20 mins off my 10km PB. ¬†However for me it was a huge achievement.

I have barely run in the last 2 years, and especially not in the last 6 weeks or so.

I started off the event running (as you do lol), and managed to get to 1km without stopping.

I was absolutely stoked with that – it’s been months since I’ve run 1km non-stop. ¬†My BFF Kate and I were running together, and after the 1km point we stopped to walk a little bit uphill. ¬†But Kate could see I was feeling pretty good and encouraged me to continue. ¬†I felt like I could give it a good crack so I did go ahead.

I thought of Mum often during the run.

Especially when I saw a gentleman in front of my running in memory of someone (his own mother?) with a photo on the back of his shirt. ¬†I wished dearly that I’d thought to do that.

But like Forest I just ran.

And maybe I was “running off” the adrenaline as one of my lovely friends suggested…

But all I know is that I pushed hard and I gave it everything I had.GCAM 4.jpg

I was beyond shattered when I finished.  And I can still barely move 2 days later lol.  But I did it.  Somehow.

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And the rest of the weekend was just what I needed.

A very blissful stay on the 37th (!!) floor of the Hilton on the Gold Coast.  Time spent lounging around the pool in the sun (how lucky are we with our Queensland winters).

Time spent with friends cheering on others.

My world will still never be the same, but I like to think Mum would be proud that as per her dying words “live a good life” that I am doing her proud ‚ô•

This is our last goodbye

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it’s over
Just hear this and then I’ll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you’ll ever know

Jeff Buckley

199.5 hours since my Mum passed away and we laid her to rest and said our very last goodbye.

carnations

I’ve been dreading today.

The whole experience has been devastating Рseeing her in ICU, seeing her cling to life, her suffering, saying our goodbyes (numerous times) and then her eventual passing.  But somehow the funeral felt the most painful of all.

To some extent her death didn’t feel real. And I’ve tried not to dwell on it, I’ve thrown myself into work, I’ve tried to push through….

But the funeral meant actually acknowledging the fact that I will never see or talk to her again.

And it was hard.

Dad picked the most beautiful, sad and haunting songs. ¬†“My love will go on”, “Time to say goodbye”, “Have I told you lately”… man I’d tear up at the best of times hearing those without the circumstances!

But as hard as that way, the main thing I felt, and still do, was the love and support around me.

Today I had everyone that mattered to me most in the world around me (even Mum).

There were my best friends, people I’ve grown up with, cousins, “second families”, men I considered to be 2nd dad’s.

It’s sobering to think that sometimes we only see those that we love most in situations like these.

I do wish it had been in better circumstances but my heart swelled to see them – some of who I hadn’t seen in almost 30 years.

Maybe the stand out moment for me today was seeing someone I didn’t realise was coming. … And it was the best thing in the world to see him.

Steve was my best friend for a long time – we first met almost 20 years ago through work. ¬†I loved him dearly – so much so I asked him to be my “best man” when I got married. ¬†I always have been a bit eccentric lol. ¬†He also threw me my hen’s night and my baby shower. ¬†As life often happens though we drifted apart as each of us were busy in our own lives. ¬†11 years had passed since I last saw him, and to have him there – unexpectedly – was something I will always cherish.

There was also my previous boss Mark who I love dearly.  As well as my parents best friends Jan and Gary (who I consider second parents and whom I grow up with). And so many other people I hold dear.

The service itself was beautiful. But to see those I love most, and to spend time with them and have their support was priceless ‚ô•

Megan & Dad 2

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Limbo

I feel like I’ve been dragging myself through the weekend – particularly today.

We are still very much in the midst of organising her funeral and it’s been difficult. ¬†I really don’t want to think about what I’m going to wear, about what we will do with the flowers afterwards. ¬†Or to pick out the photos we will have displayed. ¬†It broke my heart today to read the eulogy Dad wrote (and asked me to proof). ¬†And to hear the songs he has picked out to play (and I might add I will never be able to listen to again lol).

It’s a process though.

I really wish I could do more to help my Dad. ¬†He’s so bitterly lonely without my Mum. ¬†And not surprisingly – every moment of the last 50 years they have spent together. ¬†They were always a package deal – they would never go anywhere without the other.

Dad came to visit me yesterday and it was the very first time I have ever had him come to my house without my Mum.  He mentioned how lonely the 45 minute drive was without her.

I went to visit him today, and he was extremely reluctant for me to leave.  I know how bitterly painful it is to feel all alone and crave people around you.

It’s going to be hard for us to move forward. ¬†It’ll definitely be a whole new reality for us.

But I’m also grateful with the much closer relationship my Dad and I are forging. ¬†I love my Dad dearly, but I’ve always been closest to my Mum. ¬†I would ring her 4 or more times a day for a chat, and if he happened to answer we’d say a brief hi but he soon put her on. ¬†We never chatted much. ¬†In the last 20 years we’ve never really spent any time together just the two of us. ¬†In fact I can’t think of a single instance.

I can see we are going to need each other though from now on – particularly he will need me.

And it’s a nice feeling to be able to do that for him ‚ô•

1985

65 hours later

It was an emotional day today….

Today I picked out my mum’s coffin.

It was so surreal.  And heart wrenching.

Sitting with the Funeral Director – talking about her life, picking out her flowers, discussing what we would dress her in.

10 days ago life was “normal”. ¬†The world had not yet tilted on it’s axis. ¬†10 days ago and I would never in my worst nightmares have thought we were preparing to bury my Mum. ¬†That I would be discussing what I would wear to her funeral. ¬†That I would visit my parents apartment, and she would not be there.

That was hard.  Her spirit was so strong there.  And it was like she was still around.  I only lasted about 10 seconds before I burst into tears.  And then I walked into their bedroom Рto help my Dad get dressed Рand I saw their bed.

He had tried hard to make it himself.  But it looked nothing like what Mum would have done.  Bless him.

And then I cried very hard.

And I looked at the coffin’s at the funeral home and it was a physical pain. ¬†To imagine my Mum in one of them.

To accept – sort of – that my Mum is never coming back.

My Dad is broken-hearted.  50 years together, and his soul mate is gone.

In my entire life I never ever saw them have a cross word.  Never.  They were one of those married couples that I always aspired to be.  And as their child grossed me out lol.  So many times Mum would be washing the dishes and Dad would come up behind her to smooch her.  Even in later years (just before I left home at 22) they were still doing it.

Dad is trying to cope.  He proudly told me how he ironed his own pants this morning (the first time in his life he has ever used an iron).  He was talking about washing the towels in the next few days.  He was discussing buying himself some groceries.

It was heartbreaking.

More so when he told us he’d decided Mum’s funeral song… “Have I told you lately” by Van Morrison.

And he couldn’t even get the song title out before he dissolved into heart-wrenching sobs.

I’m not sure my heart will ever be in one piece again.

I miss you Mum.

 

Mum and Dad young

Working through my grief … literally

Over the course of my Mum’s time in intensive care, and her passing, I’ve worked solidly.

I’ve had a few people surprised by that, and I know it seems amazing that I can even do it. ¬†Though it’s not to say I haven’t struggled!

I’ve been blessed though with my job.

I’m an EA, Office Manager, and Events Manager. ¬†I work very long hours (6am to 8pm every day, and weekends), but it’s extremely rewarding.

I juggle so much on a daily basis. ¬†This year already I’ve run 8 events (completely on my own). ¬†That in itself is a full time job. ¬†So is organising my Manager lol.

I’ve been very lucky to get to where I am in my career. ¬†And I love my industry (Veterinary) passionately. ¬†I’ve spent 12 years in the industry and have learnt so much and made so many great friends and contacts.

I’m also proud to work in this industry. ¬†It’s a buddhist belief that you should not have a career/work in a job that causes harm and suffering to others. ¬†And my job is about helping other people, and that’s a great feeling.

I have a lot of responsibility and travel in my role, but also a lot of influence.  I love what I am able to achieve.  I love the meetings, negotiations, networking, relationship building etc that comes with my role.

I also love the rapport I have with my boss. ¬†He’s slightly younger than me (a young’n) and we are constantly joking with each other and making each other laugh. ¬†It’s important to have that connection between an EA and GM.

Even though it’s a hard time in my own life, it’s a pleasure to work, and to keep busy and productive. ¬†And I would never jeopardise my job by not giving 150%.

I’m also at a stage in my life where I am very confident in my career, abilities and strengths.

One day soon that GM role will have my name on it ūüôā

Megan at work

41 hours

Today is day 2 of a world without my Mum.

I’m not sure how to feel about how I feel today.

I felt like I saw a sign from my Mum this morning.

I’d woken up through the night needing to go to the bathroom. ¬†Not unusual but I must have been sound asleep because it took me a while to wake up. ¬†After that I wandered out into the kitchen to get some painkillers, let my neighbours cat out of my house (long story lol), and get a drink. ¬†I thought to check the time…. and it was dead on 2:30am.

2.30am

2:30am…. the exact time my mother passed away 24 hours before. ¬†Not a huge coincidence I know, but I felt like it was her way of saying hello to me.

Anyway after getting some sleep last night I felt a bit more human today.

And I was blessed with so much kindness and love today.

I stopped at my local coffee shop and was once again shown so much kindness and love by the two girls that work in there.  I then went to the supermarket to buy them flowers (to say thank you), and told the lady there about my Mum passing.  She gave me the biggest hug, and shared her own story with me about the loss of her husband 7 years earlier.  I was really touched to share that intimate moment with her.

More hugs were given as I gave the coffee shop girls their flowers.  And another lady I know from the community came in and gave me hugs and support.

And I was able to work somewhat effectively today. ¬†I spoke to my boss 8 times (I think he’s missed me lol). ¬†We have a great banter and shared quite a few laughs over the course of the day. ¬†That was also a blessing.

I shared memories of Mum with my Dad, and photos of her.

I was given 2 bunches of flowers, and a beautiful beautiful sympathy card.  A friend dropped in with one of those bunches of flowers and gave me more hugs.

I feel very weary, today but strangely calm and at peace.

It’s only been 41 hours but I’m able to think of my Mum fondly and speak of her without dissolving into tears. ¬†And I’m worried about what that says about me? ¬†Maybe it’s part of the process. ¬†Maybe tomorrow I’ll be a mess again. ¬†Or maybe I’ve cried so much over the past week that I have no more tears left.

But maybe being strong (for my Dad and brother) is what my Mum would want ‚ô•

A farewell to arms

At 2:30am today, Wednesday 21st June, my Mum passed away.

It was the final chapter in an extremely difficult 7 days.

I’m beyond devastated. ¬†She died a horrible death, and she suffered greatly. ¬†As did we all.

But I can also see the blessings.

The one thing that has really stood out to me in this last week is the willingness of my friends to offer sincere and heartfelt sympathy. ¬†I’ve been so humbled by that. ¬†I’ve received so many offers of help – from close friends through to people I’ve just had the pleasure of meeting recently.

It’s touched me deeply. ¬†And it’s made the most enormous difference to feel that people care and are there to help me.

I’ve been so changed by this whole experience. ¬†But by that in particular. ¬†Just the difference that heartfelt support and kindness can make in times of extreme grief and suffering.

I also just feel very blessed by the people I have in my life now.  I know in my heart I was meant to meet these people when I did and to have them around me at this time.

I’m so grateful too that my Mum died seeing me in a good place. ¬†That was always a fear of mine – that my parents would pass away before seeing me with my “crap together”.

I’m also immensely grateful I was able to say goodbye to her properly. ¬†A lot of people don’t have that opportunity. ¬†There was nothing that I didn’t say that I wished I had.

And perhaps the greatest blessing of all…

The final time I walked away I wasn’t crying, I was laughing. ¬†Mum was looking good, breathing on her own, and said to me – without the tube and using her own voice – that she loved me. ¬†And I walked away smiling.

It was meant to happen that way ‚ô•

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518400 seconds

There are 518400 seconds in 6 days.

And I feel like I have been acutely aware of each single one of those seconds.

I look back on the Meg of a week ago and I already feel like I don’t recognise her anymore.

I’m not sure if it’s shock, or trauma, or both. ¬†But everything seems different to me now. ¬†It’s almost like I’ve suffered so much in the last 6 days that I’ve become a completely different person. ¬†It’s hard to connect with anyone at the moment. ¬†Like I’m speaking a different language to everyone else. ¬†Or I’m from another planet. ¬†I’m finding myself staring blankly at everything like I don’t recognise it anymore.

I had to actually look back on my last blog post to see what had already happened.  Hard to believe it was only a few days ago since I posted.

Yesterday my Dad told my brother and I that we had to meet him at the hospital.  That the doctor wanted to talk to us as a family and that we had to make a decision.

That decision was whether to take my Mum off life support and let her die, or take her off and put her on assisted breathing.  Permanent 24 hour a day care assisted breathing.  Against her wishes.

Even as I type this I’m sitting dumbfounded at the fact we had to make that kind of decision. ¬†I¬†don’t understand how life got to this point.

I took a leadership role within the family and lead us to a decision.  A decision to keep her alive.  And then I came home and went back to work.

I.went.back.to.work.

I don’t remember signing up for this when I became an adult.

How on earth could we live with the decision – whichever decision we made.

How much stress and grief can one person live with. ¬†I feel like I’m constantly testing that.

And so we got to this morning.  Tuesday morning 20th June.

The doctors asked us all to be there while they took my Mum off life support and put her on assisted breathing (as we directed).

Except. Except…

My Mum had been taken off the sedation and she was able to make a decision.  And that was a very very firm decision to be taken off life support and be allowed to pass away peacefully.  No more ventilator.  No permanent tracheotomy.  No more breathing tubes. No more.

We sat with her for 3 hours.  We held her hand, we cried, we said goodbye to her.

She was able to use an etch-a-sketch to say goodbye to us.

 

And at exactly 2pm we left the room. ¬†The 4th “final goodbye” in the last 6 days.

At 2pm the doctors took my Mum off life support….

…and she started breathing on her own. ¬†She had less than 10% chance of breathing on her own, but she did.

I wish that was the end of the story, and that it was a happy ending.  But tonight the heartache continues.  If she starts to struggle to breathe Рat any point Рthey will sedate her so she can pass away.

518400 seconds.  It feels like it could have been 518400 years.

 

Sense of humour – level = expert

In my last blog post I wrote about stopping my anti-depressants.

Life has a very wry sense of humour.

I stopped my anti-depressants last Friday….

On Wednesday my Mum went in for what should have been a routine surgery. ¬†Should have been. ¬†I got a call from my Dad afterwards that all went well and she was okay. ¬†She’d gone in to have her lungs drained of fluid (3rd time she’s had this done in recent times).

An hour later Dad rang me crying. ¬†She’d gone into a coma and they didn’t expect her to wake from it. ¬†They’d also found extensive lung rigidity indicative of advanced lung cancer (mesothelioma).

I raced up to the hospital in shock. ¬†She came out of the coma, but was on life support. ¬†We didn’t know if she’d make it through the night.

Thursday (yesterday) I went up to see her.  Only to be met by my Dad saying that she would never be able to breathe on her own again, and that we needed to say goodbye to her.

How do I even find the words to describe yesterday…

I’ve never known a pain like it.

Obviously we all expect our parents to die one day, and as they get older that becomes more timely. ¬†But I don’t think it’s ever something you can really accept. ¬†It’s like it’s something that happens to everyone else’s parents, but was not allowed, COULD NOT be allowed to happen to your own. ¬†It feels like your parents are special, mean more, are closer to you.

So many tears were shed yesterday.  So many so that I can barely see today.

The pain was physical and visceral. ¬†Seeing my brother crying. ¬†Seeing my Dad crying (I’ve never seen him cry before).

Seeing my Dad say goodbye to my Mum after almost 50 years together.

Mum June 2017 2.jpg

Saying goodbye to my Mum and walking out of that room was the most painful thing I’ve ever done in my life. ¬†Believing it was the last time I would ever see her.

I was very blessed that I did get to see her again today. ¬†She’s currently in surgery in last ditch attempt to save her life. ¬†To see if they can remove the hardened lung tissue so that she can breathe on her own again.

Time is standing still right now.

I feel like a different person than I was Wednesday morning.  I am a different person.

As is usually the case great growth has been thrust upon me.

I just see the world differently now. ¬†I am even more aware of people’s suffering.

I may have started this blog as a direct result of my own experience with divorce, and the pain and suffering I went through.  And the desire to help others with their own suffering.

And the events of this week have only made my heart even bigger and my empathy even deeper.

Maybe in the end that’s really the purpose of the suffering – to further my empathy and ability to help others.

PS You have a very weird sense of humour universe.

And the journey continues …

I’m not sure it’s the best time to return to my neglected blog, however there’s never a bad time to take stock of life.

Today is day 4 of my weaning off anti-depressants.

It’s a day of suffering – mental and physical. ¬†But also a day of reflection.

It’s certainly not the first time I’ve attempted to stop taking them. And maybe once again I’ll have to admit defeat. ¬†But maybe, just maybe I won’t.

Life is different now.

It surprises me how much I have grown and changed in recent months.

Since my ex-husband left 7 years ago I have gone through massive personal growth.  A lot of it I did kicking and screaming and fighting.  Some of it was done very purposely (like starting this blog).  Recent growth however seemed to sneak up on me.

I was particularly thinking of this yesterday. ¬†I spent a day at home with my nearly 12yo – reading, and cooking, and doing not much of anything. ¬†Which doesn’t sound like anything special. ¬†But it was huge for me. ¬†That sort of day would have been my worst nightmare not long ago ¬†A day without keeping busy and occupied every single second?¬†Emmy and book¬†Arrghhhhhh.

But yesterday I sat in my beanbag and read.  With my neighbours cat curled up in my lap.  My son playing his xbox near me.  The sound of rain falling outside.  And my thoughts drifting past.

Since I started coming off my antidepressants I can actually feel.

After 20 years of being on them (on and off) I can start to feel again.  Sadness, and happiness, and reflection.  I felt a quiet mourning and loss for the life I thought I had.  And a sincere gratitude for the new life I do now have.

I feel a sincere love and gratitude for my friends. ¬†Those friendships I’ve made in recent years – the coffees and breakfasts we have shared all together. ¬†The laughs, and time spent together. ¬†I can never put a value on that.

I feel excited for the future, and the plans ahead.  Travel, and adventure and fun.  And happiness and hope.

But most of all, I just FEEL.

I have gone through a lot in the last 7 years.  Most of it self inflicted due to poor decisions I have made.  And I am guessing a lot of it because they were lessons I needed to learn (the hard way).

And I would imagine that life still has a lot of lessons and challenges in store for me yet.

But there is now a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I can only hope and pray that life continues in this way.

Meg vs Facebook

I decided on Friday night to deactivate my Facebook.

That sentence above is HUGE for me.  It should probably come with its own sound effects and lighting.

For 8 years I have more or less lived my life through Facebook. ¬†I would spend hours each day trawling through posts, liking and commenting and sharing my own story. ¬†I tried to use it to make the world a better place as much as I could. ¬†And I used to joke (although it wasn’t joking) that I would rather remove my own leg than deactivate my Facebook.

So what changed?

I guess that I did.

It has been building for a while. ¬†I can recognise my own failings when it comes to Facebook. ¬†I’m too open. ¬†By nature I am a ‘sharer’. ¬†I bare my heart and soul and in doing so allow I invite others into my life. ¬†And sometimes that’s a mistake.

I’m also highly sensitive, and the behaviour of people I considered friends really hurt me.

One particular person I considered a friend used to vaguebook about me constantly – posting passive aggressive attacks aimed at me, but without the courage to talk to me directly. Mostly because the image/story she’d created about her life and partner was at risk. ¬†And eventually the truth did come out – as it always does – and she didn’t want to face it so she blocked me.

It was this example of the world of Facebook that was really the last straw for me.  It can be such a fake world.  People hiding behind their keyboards attacking others, whist trying to portray a certain image (created) of their own lives.

It’s been a wonderful learning experience for me to walk away from it.

I’m no longer tied to my phone. ¬†It creeps up on you how pervasive Facebook can be. ¬†So many hours spent living in other people’s lives and not in your own.

It hasn’t been smooth sailing though – after 8 years it’s been so much a part of my daily routine. ¬†I’m finding myself absent-mindedly picking up my phone to get my “fix” and then feeling somewhat lost that it doesn’t exist anymore.

But since I walked away the world has opened up for me.

I’m actually reaching out to people in the analog world, and building on those friendships that are important to me.

I’m spending quality time with¬†people without one eye on Facebook.

The other night I sat with Mr ISFS curled up in his arms reading a book, and it was pure bliss.

All that matters to me is Mr ISFS and my family.  They are my world.  Mr ISFS himself used to have Facebook, but walked away from it several years ago without looking back.  I always admired his strength, and now that I have done it myself I can totally understand why he did it.

And in some ways walking away from Facebook is also an act of solidarity with him.

He will always be the most important person to me ‚ô•

 

Change, growth and balance

I saw this photo this morning, and I suddenly realised that this describes me perfectly.

wolves

It’s so far removed from the person I used to be.

I woke up at 2am this morning with this same thought on my mind.  It occurred to me very suddenly that I have changed so much.

Because I have Mr ISFS and I am so utterly content, I have been free to grow and develop as a person. ¬†It’s the first time in my life that I’ve felt completely settled and at peace. ¬†And I’ve really grown into my own skin.

I realised I am now the lion.

I don’t want to lose touch though with those qualities of compassion and empathy that I value so highly and feel so strongly. ¬†So I am tempering my new strength with staying true to my heart.

It’s Mr ISFS and I against the world ‚ô•

Anniversary

My blog post today is dedicated to my wonderful friend Kate.

Facebook reminded me today it’s 1 year since we became friends. ¬†I’m so grateful to all of the people I am blessed to call friends, but I am especially grateful for Kate’s friendship.

We met at Parkrun 12 months ago, and have shared so many runs, laughs, jokes, and memories since then ‚ô•

Kate.png

I think I am particularly lucky to be able to count Kate as a friend due to our large age gap.

However I may be¬†more than twice Kate’s age, but she is at least¬†twice as sensible.

I am constantly¬†in awe of Kate’s intelligence, maturity, confidence, self-worth and wit. ¬†On so many occasions she has given me fantastic advice on life, and when I grow up I want to be just like her :p

Thank you Kate for being my friend ūüôā