65 hours later

It was an emotional day today….

Today I picked out my mum’s coffin.

It was so surreal.  And heart wrenching.

Sitting with the Funeral Director – talking about her life, picking out her flowers, discussing what we would dress her in.

10 days ago life was “normal”.  The world had not yet tilted on it’s axis.  10 days ago and I would never in my worst nightmares have thought we were preparing to bury my Mum.  That I would be discussing what I would wear to her funeral.  That I would visit my parents apartment, and she would not be there.

That was hard.  Her spirit was so strong there.  And it was like she was still around.  I only lasted about 10 seconds before I burst into tears.  And then I walked into their bedroom – to help my Dad get dressed – and I saw their bed.

He had tried hard to make it himself.  But it looked nothing like what Mum would have done.  Bless him.

And then I cried very hard.

And I looked at the coffin’s at the funeral home and it was a physical pain.  To imagine my Mum in one of them.

To accept – sort of – that my Mum is never coming back.

My Dad is broken-hearted.  50 years together, and his soul mate is gone.

In my entire life I never ever saw them have a cross word.  Never.  They were one of those married couples that I always aspired to be.  And as their child grossed me out lol.  So many times Mum would be washing the dishes and Dad would come up behind her to smooch her.  Even in later years (just before I left home at 22) they were still doing it.

Dad is trying to cope.  He proudly told me how he ironed his own pants this morning (the first time in his life he has ever used an iron).  He was talking about washing the towels in the next few days.  He was discussing buying himself some groceries.

It was heartbreaking.

More so when he told us he’d decided Mum’s funeral song… “Have I told you lately” by Van Morrison.

And he couldn’t even get the song title out before he dissolved into heart-wrenching sobs.

I’m not sure my heart will ever be in one piece again.

I miss you Mum.


Mum and Dad young

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7 responses to “65 hours later

  1. Pouring it out here will help. My sympathies all with you.

  2. It obviously is hard, and you’ve been pushing to see what good you can find. Let me offer this. My father died a year-and-a-half ago after 62 years of marriage ot my mother. There were no tears at his death or funeral. My mother was stunned, never expecting to be a widow. The first year was hard because she had to sell the house and her beloved collection of crystal and beautiful things. She moved to a retirement community. And discovered her freedom. Being released from 62 years of emotional abuse was the best thing that every happened to her. My father, I learned, was a philanderer who controlled all the money to be sure she had none. His death was not the loss of a dearly loved partner. So see how lucky you and your family have been to be a part of such a loving relationship for so long that you feel her loss acutely. I’m sorry to say that I occasionally miss my dad, but quickly get over it. He really only cared about himself and could not be emotionally close to anyone. Si I read of your loss with a pang of jealousy, that you could have had a family that had such strong love. You are so lucky.

  3. I’m so deeply, deeply sorry for your loss. My prayers and love are with you. Warm and gentle hugs to you, Kathy

  4. Here is the ending of a beautiful blessing, Beannacht, written by John O’Donahue for his mother who was grieving the loss of her husband, John’s father.
    I love this ending part of the blessing and have gained immeasurable solace, strength, soothing and sense of being immersed in love as I read and recite it, which I’ve done 100’s, perhaps even 1000’s of times…. may you feel it’s blessings of nourishment, clarity, fluency, protection and love coming through his loving wishes, from him and from all of us who are caring so deeply for you….
    Blessings and love, kathy

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