Please don’t make me adult

I’m finding life a bit difficult at the moment.  Just one of those days that I’m overloaded, and stressed, and missing my Mum.

Sometimes on days like this it feels like it’s hard to shrug it off.  And I hate that it’s gotten me down, it’s just not like me to be glum.

But it can be challenging to be all things to all people.  Especially when you really want to.

My Dad needs me so much at the moment – and my heart breaks for him.  As each day goes past he’s missing my Mum more.  In the first days/weeks he was kept busy organising her funeral and all the arrangements.  And it was also a relief to him to see that she’s not suffering anymore.

But now reality is sinking in.  He misses all the little things.  He told me tearfully that every time he walked in the door from bowls and call out “I’m home love” and Mum would reply “Hi love”.  Now their apartment is empty.

Dad has also started the hard task of sorting through all her personal affects.  Giving away the food that she would eat (that he wouldn’t).  Getting rid of her clothes.

For me not only do I miss her dreadfully, but I’m also stretched dangerously thin.

My almost 12yo has ASD and his behaviour has become increasingly worse as he gets older and goes through puberty.  He is violent and aggressive and honestly just completely unpleasant.  We’ve been seeing a child psychologist and they have declared him an emergency case and are getting a psychiatric team involved and putting him on medication.

And it’s great that we are getting help, but in the meantime it’s just 24/7 hell.  To have my child address me constantly as “butthole face” instead of Mum is pretty hurtful.  And to be constantly yelled at and physically assaulted. You have to wonder as a parent where you went wrong.

Meanwhile I’m working 14 hour days through the week, and then working the weekends as well.  And it’s never ending.  I’m expected to be available 24/7, and I love my job and I’ve always hard that work ethic, but even I am feeling overloaded.

But no job = no money = no house.

It’s hard to know exactly where the limit of my ability to cope is, but I must be getting close.

Juggling my Dad, work, my child…

But I know that this too will pass.  Some days are going to be harder than others, particularly when it comes to adjusting to my Mum being gone.

I’m just blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  They keep me going.

On Saturday  went to Parkrun early in the morning and my heart was so full with love from my friends.  I had so many genuine hugs, and lovely conversations with people.  The people in my life mean the world to me – absolutely no question.  These people show me such genuine love and support and I am truly blessed.

I’d be lost without them ❤

 

 

4 weeks ago

Exactly this time, exactly 4 weeks ago life fell apart.

It was this time exactly that I got a call from my Dad, crying.  Life will never be the same.

I was sitting in my car doing school pick up at the time.  And here I sit again – same car park – same sort of day.  But now living a completely different life.  As a different person.

I’ve tried to keep busy with work.  And really with my position and the workload I don’t have to try hard.  14 hour work days are pretty good like that.

And I’ve tried to concentrate on helping other people who are also suffering – I’m certainly not the only one going through a hard time.

And my family have all tried to create new “mum-less” lives.

I see Dad all the time now.  He rings me and texts me constantly.  Anytime he normally would have said something to her, he contacts me instead.  And every morning when I normally would have rung Mum, I rang him instead for a chat.

My BFF and I laughed on Saturday when he rang me – while I was at parkrun – to have an indepth conversation with me about how to hang up his pants so they don’t get peg lines.

I’m forever grateful for that increased bond between us.

But I miss her.  I miss talking to her and telling her all my problems lol.  I miss the sound of her voice.  I hate that I’ll never see her again.  It’s funny how easy it is to forget that.

It’s so final.  Never again.

I’m sitting in the car crying heavily and talking out loud to her.  I wonder if she knows how dreadfully I miss her.  And how much I wish I could call her and tell her – “Mum you’ll never believe what’s happened the last 4 weeks!”.

And to debrief with her like I normally would.

There’s such a void left without her ❤

Run Forrest, run

I’m so grateful for this past weekend – it was a much needed 4 days off with my best friends and the people I love most in the world.

I had entered to do the 10km at the Gold Coast Airport Marathon back in January – a long time before my world fell apart.

Even after Mum’s passing I had no intention of pulling out.  I knew that it would be much needed time with my loved ones, and a chance to get away for a while.  There’s really nothing like my running family – emphasis on “family”.  I could not have more supportive or kind friends.

Although I wasn’t going to pull out I had BIG reservations about being able to make cut off for the event.

The cut off time was 1 hr 40.  This year I have done two other 10km events – one coming in at 2 hours (that was a walk admittedly), and the other at 1 hr 23 min or so.  And I was a lot fitter for that one, plus I had someone running with me.

I’ve lost so much fitness in recent years that I didn’t have much hope I would be able to complete the event and not get pulled off the course.

 

Well I was super proud of my effort on Saturday.

I finished in 78 mins (1 hr 18 mins).

That’s certainly not fast.  And a good 20 mins off my 10km PB.  However for me it was a huge achievement.

I have barely run in the last 2 years, and especially not in the last 6 weeks or so.

I started off the event running (as you do lol), and managed to get to 1km without stopping.

I was absolutely stoked with that – it’s been months since I’ve run 1km non-stop.  My BFF Kate and I were running together, and after the 1km point we stopped to walk a little bit uphill.  But Kate could see I was feeling pretty good and encouraged me to continue.  I felt like I could give it a good crack so I did go ahead.

I thought of Mum often during the run.

Especially when I saw a gentleman in front of my running in memory of someone (his own mother?) with a photo on the back of his shirt.  I wished dearly that I’d thought to do that.

But like Forest I just ran.

And maybe I was “running off” the adrenaline as one of my lovely friends suggested…

But all I know is that I pushed hard and I gave it everything I had.

I was beyond shattered when I finished.  And I can still barely move 2 days later lol.  But I did it.  Somehow.

And the rest of the weekend was just what I needed.

A very blissful stay on the 37th (!!) floor of the Hilton on the Gold Coast.  Time spent lounging around the pool in the sun (how lucky are we with our Queensland winters).

Time spent with friends cheering on others.

My world will still never be the same, but I like to think Mum would be proud that as per her dying words “live a good life” that I am doing her proud ♥