I’m finding life a bit difficult at the moment. Just one of those days that I’m overloaded, and stressed, and missing my Mum.
Sometimes on days like this it feels like it’s hard to shrug it off. And I hate that it’s gotten me down, it’s just not like me to be glum.
But it can be challenging to be all things to all people. Especially when you really want to.
My Dad needs me so much at the moment – and my heart breaks for him. As each day goes past he’s missing my Mum more. In the first days/weeks he was kept busy organising her funeral and all the arrangements. And it was also a relief to him to see that she’s not suffering anymore.
But now reality is sinking in. He misses all the little things. He told me tearfully that every time he walked in the door from bowls and call out “I’m home love” and Mum would reply “Hi love”. Now their apartment is empty.
Dad has also started the hard task of sorting through all her personal affects. Giving away the food that she would eat (that he wouldn’t). Getting rid of her clothes.
For me not only do I miss her dreadfully, but I’m also stretched dangerously thin.
My almost 12yo has ASD and his behaviour has become increasingly worse as he gets older and goes through puberty. He is violent and aggressive and honestly just completely unpleasant. We’ve been seeing a child psychologist and they have declared him an emergency case and are getting a psychiatric team involved and putting him on medication.
And it’s great that we are getting help, but in the meantime it’s just 24/7 hell. To have my child address me constantly as “butthole face” instead of Mum is pretty hurtful. And to be constantly yelled at and physically assaulted. You have to wonder as a parent where you went wrong.
Meanwhile I’m working 14 hour days through the week, and then working the weekends as well. And it’s never ending. I’m expected to be available 24/7, and I love my job and I’ve always hard that work ethic, but even I am feeling overloaded.
But no job = no money = no house.
It’s hard to know exactly where the limit of my ability to cope is, but I must be getting close.
Juggling my Dad, work, my child…
But I know that this too will pass. Some days are going to be harder than others, particularly when it comes to adjusting to my Mum being gone.
I’m just blessed to have the people in my life that I do. They keep me going.
On Saturday went to Parkrun early in the morning and my heart was so full with love from my friends. I had so many genuine hugs, and lovely conversations with people. The people in my life mean the world to me – absolutely no question. These people show me such genuine love and support and I am truly blessed.
I’d be lost without them ❤