I feel like I’ve been dragging myself through the weekend – particularly today.
We are still very much in the midst of organising her funeral and it’s been difficult. I really don’t want to think about what I’m going to wear, about what we will do with the flowers afterwards. Or to pick out the photos we will have displayed. It broke my heart today to read the eulogy Dad wrote (and asked me to proof). And to hear the songs he has picked out to play (and I might add I will never be able to listen to again lol).
It’s a process though.
I really wish I could do more to help my Dad. He’s so bitterly lonely without my Mum. And not surprisingly – every moment of the last 50 years they have spent together. They were always a package deal – they would never go anywhere without the other.
Dad came to visit me yesterday and it was the very first time I have ever had him come to my house without my Mum. He mentioned how lonely the 45 minute drive was without her.
I went to visit him today, and he was extremely reluctant for me to leave. I know how bitterly painful it is to feel all alone and crave people around you.
It’s going to be hard for us to move forward. It’ll definitely be a whole new reality for us.
But I’m also grateful with the much closer relationship my Dad and I are forging. I love my Dad dearly, but I’ve always been closest to my Mum. I would ring her 4 or more times a day for a chat, and if he happened to answer we’d say a brief hi but he soon put her on. We never chatted much. In the last 20 years we’ve never really spent any time together just the two of us. In fact I can’t think of a single instance.
I can see we are going to need each other though from now on – particularly he will need me.
And it’s a nice feeling to be able to do that for him ♥