In terms of following my practice, and acting skilfully today was not a day I am proud of. Actually I feel a bit ashamed if I’m honest.
I knew that I was being an egghead, but knowing it, and changing it are 2 different things entirely. And today not much could turn my mindset around. But I’ve decided to just treat myself with compassion, and try harder next time.
Today I had to spend the day in hospital having tests done.
And it’s something that I have to have done regularly. It wasn’t the first time and it certainly isn’t the last.
I have 20+ breast tumours, and I’ve been dealing with it for 8 years since I first found out. For 8 years I’ve tried to cope with it as best I can, and to act with grace and dignity.
Some days I have been more successful than others.
My first core biopsy was one of the not so successful times. Knowing that I had to have an incision with a scalpel first, and then an instrument inserted really got to me. I cried uncontrollably throughout the entire procedure.
Some visits I have been proud of – one of those I felt very calm and spent the time talking to other patients in the waiting area and trying to make them feel better. That one comes to mind.
But today I just struggled.
No particular reason. I was expecting it to go the same as any other visit – mammogram, ultrasound, specialist visit, biopsies. Same as every other visit over the last 8 years.
The difference though was my mindset.
I didn’t want to do it. Pure and simple. I started to dwell on it yesterday. I tried to talk myself into saying it wasn’t necessary. That I could put it off another year. I tried to get reassurance from my partner, family and friends that they also thought I could just put it off.
But naturally they were more worried about my health and wellbeing, and gently persuaded me to keep the appointment.
I got up this morning feeling relatively cheerful, but as soon as I was in the car it went downhill.
And boy was I resisting this hospital visit! With basically every fibre of my being.
I repeatedly told myself (and my partner) that I didn’t want to do it. I sat in the car sullenly on the way there. I thought of all the reasons I didn’t want to go – the procedures themselves, the cost, the hours spent waiting, the invasiveness of it.
And yes, all of those things are pretty unpleasant. I don’t deny that.
After finding the first lump I was reading an article where life changes for a woman once she discovers a lump in her breast. That everything seems to shift, and her life is never as carefree again. And I do agree that that is true. Because once you find one, you then face it forever more.
And for me it wasn’t just one. Well at first it was. But they soon started multiplying. One became 3, which became 5, which over years became 20. Till it got to the point that they said it wasn’t helpful to tell me the number anymore. My local GP’s were no longer able to handle my case, so I was referred to the specialists at the hospital. And even they said I was a difficult case, and that they “drew straws” on who had to do the ultrasounds etc. And I do feel their pain lol.
But the reality is – it is what it is. I have these tumours and I have to have them monitored and tested. And I can either accept that or resist it. My attitude isn’t going to change the reality of the situation – it’s only going to make it more unpleasant for myself in the long run.
And I know that. But today was harder than others to just accept it with a smile.
And I definitely was not smiling about it today.
But I recognise that my attitude was (very) unskillful. And I can only do better next time to accept it a bit more, and resist it a LOT less.
Much love to you all,