Storms can’t hurt the sky

I’ve mentioned before that when my ex-husband left (coming up 8 years ago… where has time gone…) that I was lucky enough to read a book “Storms can’t hurt the sky“.

That book changed everything for me, and I’ve written about that before.  But lately I’ve been thinking about that particularly analogy….

Storms can’t hurt the sky

I like it, and it’s true.  It’s a key concept in Buddhism that you should let emotions and experiences come and go – like clouds across the sky.

But what if the storm takes a long time to pass?

That’s what I’ve been reflecting on lately.

What if the storm is like in Alien Covenant (bear with me lol) where it can take months or even years to pass?

I remember many years ago now an ex mentioned to me that he couldn’t believe I hadn’t been jaded by my experiences in life.  That I was still so trusting and full of hope.  And that was something that meant a lot to me – I felt like I had so much enthusiasm for life, and “sparkle”.  I saw sunshine and rainbows everywhere.  I thought everything and everyone was fantastic.  I was probably in hindsight really painful lol.

And then life happened.  Just one thing after another for the last 4 years.

A very troubled partner who put me through hell and then ended up cheating on me. … which I think had the biggest effect on me personally of everything that’s happened.

Also another less than easy relationship that followed.  Living with a partner with significant health issues.  The loss of my 8 year job.  Starting a new job with a high amount of responsibility and pressure.  My mum passing away in traumatic circumstances.  Two other members of my family also passing away this year.  A friend taking his own life this month.  My child threatening my life and his and being placed on medication.  Several different cancer scares for me. Etc etc.

My son is currently seeing a child psychologist and child psychiatrist, and I gave a brief overview of our lives/history.  And the psychiatrist said “wow you’ve really had a tough life”.  And to be truthful I hadn’t even mentioned even half of what has happened.  I just shrugged and said it is what it is.

Which is true.  And I mentioned that comment to someone and he said – “it’s not really a hard life you’ve just had a lot of challenges”.

But I wonder how many tough experiences does it take before you are changed irreversibly?  Or is it possible to hold true to your key values regardless of what life throws at you?

I guess that’s what I’m pondering.  How to find again that sense of optimism I used to have in spades.

I feel like lately I’m often just pushing through life without the joy that I used to have.  I used to go to the shops smiling and actively looking for people to help and cheer up.  But now I just keep my head down and do what needs to be done.  Which isn’t me.

I’m considering writing a gratitude journal.  And perhaps clearly writing out my intentions again.

There’s no question that 2017 (and before) has been challenging.  It has also been amazing though.  With the people we have met, the existing friends we have, and our very first overseas trip coming up to look forward.

Maybe it’s just a matter of slowly rebuilding that boundless enthusiasm.  And also having absolute trust and faith that life is now on the right track.

And without question concentrating on the amazing people in my life that make my heart swell ♥

 

 

Distorted perceptions

I made a comment to my BFF on Friday night that 2017 has been really awful.  Okay maybe I used a few profanities in there to describe it as well lol.

I’ve been thinking on that statement since and I’m not sure that it has exactly a bad year as such…. rather I suspect in hindsight that it’s just life now.

I think perhaps I need to not classify it as good or bad.  But just roll with it and accept the reality.

My Dad visited me on Friday because he wanted to go through my Mum’s stuff.  He’s been very focused on wanting to get this done.  We haven’t discussed it but I suspect he just doesn’t want Mum’s belongings around to remind him.  He was suffering greatly on Friday…. perhaps because we were going through everything.

He cried openly for a long period of time.  We talked about the fact it had been 8 weeks since she passed.  And how hard it still is.

We’ve also lost my Dad’s cousin since – she passed away 2 weeks ago.  She was the most beautiful, kind and gentle lady.  I will miss her greatly.

Those 8 weeks since Mum passed have seemed to have flown by to me, but to Dad they have inched along.  It feels like 8 years to him without his best friend and soulmate.

To me I still can’t process it – I will never speak to my Mum again.  I can say it easily – “my Mum passed away”.  But when I really think about that… she passed away… she died.  I still can’t accept it.

While my Dad was here crying I received a message on my phone.

I opened it and my world was rocked again….

A friend – someone I have known for 20 years – decided to take his own life on Friday morning.

I’m still trying to come to terms with it. It was unexpected and it was a horrible death.  And even more so I’m upset for his daughter (essentially my niece).  She’s not much older than my own child and I can’t begin to imagine how her world has been torn apart.

Hence my earlier comment to my BFF about 2017 so far.  It’s seen:

The breakdown of my long term relationship.

The loss of my Mum, and the extremely traumatic events surrounding that.

Significant work stress.

The loss of my Dad’s cousin who I was close to.

My child being placed on anti-psychotic medication.

My friend taking his own life.

 

I think though it can’t be called a ‘bad year’.  It just is.

I can’t see 2017 suddenly becoming stress free and uneventful….

My Great Uncle is 94 and we could lose him any day.  I wait for the phone call ever single day and I have for a long time.  Somehow he keeps hanging on.

I worry about the stress of these events on my Dad who is also in poor health.

I have a long road ahead of my with my son.

Work won’t change either – that is what it is.

My own health is very dicey at the best of times.

Sometimes I look at others around me and feel envious that they don’t seem to have stress in their lives.  I try hard not to do that though.  Because it doesn’t help to put my life in one “basket” and see theirs as being perfect.

It’s just a matter of trying to make the most of life as it’s dealt.  To find the joy in the small things.  To try to keep smiling and keep positive.

 

Growth

Sitting quietly today in my beanbag reading a book, and this passage really resonated with me..

“Once she had imagined she and {her husband} moving into such an old age, their histories woven together like vines, tendril around shoot, leaves meshed.  Oh she’d been so old-fashioned; even her regret was old-fashioned.  She had imagined that, married, she would be some sort of lovely bud, wrapped in the tougher, resilient calyx of the flower.  Wrapped and protected, the layers of her own life contained within another’s.

But instead she had found her own way….”

Such a perfect summary of my own life.

This was how I had imagined my adulthood.  As a wife, mother, homemaker.

As part of a strong family unit such as I was raised in.

But life doesn’t always go to plan.

And that’s okay.