Recently I have had the rare opportunity to soften my heart, and strip away the barriers I have put up around it. Thanks to my wonderful partner.
Entering into a new relationship has been a time of untold blessings.
I have never before felt so connected with, and in love with, someone.
I have told him things that I have never shared with anyone else. I have let him see the “real me”. And I have laid my heart bare.
Which has left me feeling very vulnerable and exposed.
Something that I am not familiar with.
Over the 10 years of my marriage (and subsequent marriage breakdown), I put up a lot of barriers to protect myself. I tried to block the intense pain and suffering I was experiencing. I dissociated, just to get through each day.
Those barriers made me feel stronger, and like I could cope.
When my marriage fell apart, everything fell apart. And I was forced to examine all the ways I shielded myself. And deluded myself.
Because, in the end, all I was left with was me. And the barriers around me.
I spent a lot of months grieving. For the loss of the life that I had. For what could have been.
And through that grieving, and making time for sadness, there was a profound healing. It was a time of immense personal and spiritual growth.
However it took this new relationship for me to finally break down the last remaining barriers that I had put up.
And I have been left feeling vulnerable and tender.
But it’s not a bad thing.
It’s an opportunity to touch in on that tenderness for the first time.
The ground may be shaky, and unfamiliar, but I refuse to let those barriers go back up.
I vow to stick here with the uncertainty, and the vulnerability, and the tenderness. I vow to relax in the midst of chaos.
And I vow to keep softening and opening my heart.