I’m not sure it’s the best time to return to my neglected blog, however there’s never a bad time to take stock of life.
Today is day 4 of my weaning off anti-depressants.
It’s a day of suffering – mental and physical. But also a day of reflection.
It’s certainly not the first time I’ve attempted to stop taking them. And maybe once again I’ll have to admit defeat. But maybe, just maybe I won’t.
Life is different now.
It surprises me how much I have grown and changed in recent months.
Since my ex-husband left 7 years ago I have gone through massive personal growth. A lot of it I did kicking and screaming and fighting. Some of it was done very purposely (like starting this blog). Recent growth however seemed to sneak up on me.
I was particularly thinking of this yesterday. I spent a day at home with my nearly 12yo – reading, and cooking, and doing not much of anything. Which doesn’t sound like anything special. But it was huge for me. That sort of day would have been my worst nightmare not long ago A day without keeping busy and occupied every single second? Arrghhhhhh.
But yesterday I sat in my beanbag and read. With my neighbours cat curled up in my lap. My son playing his xbox near me. The sound of rain falling outside. And my thoughts drifting past.
Since I started coming off my antidepressants I can actually feel.
After 20 years of being on them (on and off) I can start to feel again. Sadness, and happiness, and reflection. I felt a quiet mourning and loss for the life I thought I had. And a sincere gratitude for the new life I do now have.
I feel a sincere love and gratitude for my friends. Those friendships I’ve made in recent years – the coffees and breakfasts we have shared all together. The laughs, and time spent together. I can never put a value on that.
I feel excited for the future, and the plans ahead. Travel, and adventure and fun. And happiness and hope.
But most of all, I just FEEL.
I have gone through a lot in the last 7 years. Most of it self inflicted due to poor decisions I have made. And I am guessing a lot of it because they were lessons I needed to learn (the hard way).
And I would imagine that life still has a lot of lessons and challenges in store for me yet.
But there is now a light at the end of the tunnel.
And I can only hope and pray that life continues in this way.